Wednesday, November 12, 2014


November 13, 2014
I turned 23 yesterday, and I feel the same today. The night before last I had trouble sleeping though, and I don’t know exactly why. Maybe it was because I was going to cook a meal I haven’t cooked before for my birthday, or maybe it was the thought of living for such a long time and have not achieved anything remotely outstanding or anything particularly noteworthy.
Twenty-three years I’ve lived and I don’t know what I am doing with my life…
I’ve graduated last year, and today I still don’t have a job. In three months’ time I will have been two years unemployed. It sucks. I’ve been to dozens of interviews and no one wants to hire me. Is it my facial hair? My face? Am I that ugly that I can’t land a stable job? Is it because I’m fat? Maybe, maybe not; but one thing is for sure, I don’t want to go to interviews anymore.
Today I write this for me and only me, yesterday I turned twenty-three, and in days I stare at a mirror I hate what I fucking see.
I am angry all the fucking time. I’m not sure why, but it’s a safe bet I’m angry at myself. “Tell me about yourself,” an interviewer would say to me very first thing, and in my head I would say: “I don’t fucking want to. That’s the last fucking thing I want to tell you, you dumb fuck.” The interview would go on, and by the time it ended, I knew they would never call me back, and they really didn’t.
Yesterday I turned twenty-three, today I feel the same, every day I’m on an interview I’d like to punch the interviewer in the face.
A wise man once said that you will make mistakes and fail along the way, that’s what your twenties are for. It might have been said to comfort people my age, but it just feels like by the time I reach thirty, I might probably end up homeless.
Yesterday I turned twenty-three, today the sun’s just about to go up, I always give up on tomorrow because I know it wouldn’t be different than today.
P.S. Fuck you.
To: Myself
From: Myself

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

These Past few Weeks

On Finding A Job

I remember the days when I knew what I would be doing for the rest of the day . I had it all planned out: Wake up, breakfast, bath, school, training, dinner, home, homework, internet then off to bed. Now that I am unemployed, everyday just seems so grey. Months go by and I feel like I am deteriorating into nothing. Unemployment is not fun. Don't you ever think that I am not trying to find a job, because I really am. I can't count how many interviews I've already had, and every time I fail, it feels like a stab right to my chest. Every time I feel like that I am not good enough. But am I really not?

A couple of months ago I applied for a multimedia company located in Treviso, Italy. I applied with the mindset of "I ain't getting in, but whatever, let's just apply for the heck of it." I sent them my unfinished novel and a link to a music video that I directed as my portfolio. Last week, I received an e-mail from that company inviting me to come to Italy for two weeks for an internship. Like what the fuck, right?! I never thought they would even get to read what I sent them or even be considered for an internship. They will take care of my accommodation and lunches and I will do hands-on work with the editorial staff of the company's magazine. I was fucking excited as fuck.

The problem now, is my parents. They argued that (1) We don't know anyone in Italy, (2) I don't speak Italian and (3) It's just an internship and not officially an employment. So, basically they said NO.

Fuck me, right?! I just got fucked in the ass bareback.

What's worse is that my mom keeps on telling to find a job overseas, now here is an opportunity for me to do so, but what does she do? She says NO.

I have always felt that I don't belong here in the Philippines. I have always felt that I was a big fish in a small pond. I can't be who I want to be in this place. I need to get out.

I am good enough, and I know I will do great someday.

My heart will always be here in the Philippines, but my dreams will never be.

On Typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan)

The typhoon hit our country on November 8, the same day as my sister's birthday. Which was a shitty time for her because we weren't able to celebrate her birthday because of it. What's even shittier is what the typhoon did to our fellow countrymen in Visayas.

I'll keep this short and sweet.


On My Birthday

I celebrated my birthday on November 12, Tuesday. We had dinner at this swanky Korean restaurant. It was good. I also got this cool Funko figure of Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead given to me by my best friend. Then we had cake back home. It was a good night. Too bad I can't say the same for the people affected by the typhoon.

My father gave me money for my birthday. At first I thought of giving it away for the victims of the typhoon. I sincerely wanted to, but seeing no progress after five days since the typhoon hit landfall, it's just so disheartening to give money away. I fear that my money won't go where I want it to go, if I give relief goods, when the hell will they get it where it should? And would it even really reach the people who need it? Maybe.

I don't know what to do. What I do know is that writing about it won't do shit.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Am I Weird?

I have been very distant to my friends lately. I don't miss them, nor do I mind spending time with them, it's just that I really don't care about them as much. Am I bad person? I don't think I am, but you probably think so and I don't really care.

Maybe it's this wretched unemployment that's messing with me. I had an interview and an English proficiency exam, and I thought I did alright. Tomorrow I have a job interview at Ayala Ave. in Makati, they asked me to bring samples of my written work, and I'm fucking glad I used to be part of the student publication in college. I hope I do well, although I can be such a nervous wreck during interviews. Like fuck, I really need to calm my shit.

Anyways, I better get a job soon, and maybe then things wouldn't be this way with me and with how I think of my friends.

Just realized how much I used "I" on this post. Selfish fucker.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Conjuring and the Horror Genre

Ghosts, ghouls, goblins, leprechauns, demons, spirits and poltergeists. These are what we fear when we're left alone in the dark. Fear, for me, is somewhat an irony in it of itself. We flee from it, or we face it head on in real life. We try to conquer it, so it won't conquer us. But why in the hell do we keep seeing horror movies? Simple, we like it. We like the fear of the unknown, the fear for our lives, the fear for our very fragile bodies, bodies that can be oh so easily disfigured. I mean come on, we're all just a bag of meat covered in layers of skin, fat and muscles. This contradiction of fear fascinates me, and so I thought it would be great to discuss a film I watched yesterday, The Conjuring, and why I thought it was a good movie, but was kind of a letdown as a "horror" movie.

The Conjuring is directed by James Wan, notable for being the director of Saw, Dead Silence, Insidious and the upcoming sequel Insidious Chapter 2. I like the guy. Saw was a game changer, it brought audiences to a very fucked up world and introduced the sub-genre of torture porn. It made us rethink of what a modern serial killer is and it brought the fear of disfigurement back in the cinemas, a tradition that sorely needed a  fresh take, and James Wan, along with Leigh Wannel, brought that to us. I really can't say anything much about Dead Silence though, I've only watched it once when I was about 16, but I do remember that freaky looking doll. This brought James Wan back to the basics of the horror genre; Evil Spirits, Possesion and Hauntings. He continues this with Insidious, exploring not only the spiritual side of horror, but the astral world itself. The movie brought us a refreshed take on the horror genre that most of us are all very familiar with. Though I commend Mr. Wan for his effort in artistry and originality, these movies always suffered with cliches and overused jump scares that aren't really scares at all (except Saw, though).

So what about The Conjuring?

The thing about The Conjuring is that it's well directed. The film's basically a love letter to the 70's and 80's horror movies. The characters actually have character , there's a sense of unease in scenes, cinematography was spot on, editing was really good and the acting was superb (specially those kids). But was it scary? Was the hype all worth it? Is this the horror film that everyone's waiting for, the horror film that will bring back the genre to the mainstream? NO. The problem with this movie was the hype that it was given, it seemed like they promised us so much, but delivered so less than what we've expected. The trailer, if you've watched it, would have spoiled all the good scares in the movie for you. If you haven't watched the trailer, then those scares will count. Like his previous movies, this film was plagued with cliches and jump scares. The third act was disappointing as well. The whole time I felt like the movie was building up to something really big, and it just ends up as a typical possession/exorcism film. It succeeds as a movie, but as a "horror" movie it just fails.
The thing I liked most about this movie was the characters. Their motivations, intentions and goals were clear and bright as day, and they were very likable. I give it a 3/5.

With all that said, what is scary anymore?
What makes a horror movie good?
Is real life scarier than any ghost, ghoul or spirit?

I believe the day will come when a horror movie will take us by our hair and cut our throats open. Just you wait. *fingers crossed*

I'm looking forward to Insidious Chapter 2, unfortunately I've watched the trailer, and I just hope it didn't spoil it for me too.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

On Chapter IV

Yeah, I'm having trouble writing right now, so it will be delayed. I'm sorry.

There's just a lot of things going in my head that I need to figure out.